the word is:

insidious adj.

1. intended to entrap or beguile
   
2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful
   
3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect

so many a negative connotation
a creeper, sneaker, stealing, slithering closer
closer like a disease or an enemy or a

malaise noun

1. a condition of general bodily weakness or discomfort, often marking the onset of a disease
   
2. a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort

am i sick? i want to ask the doctor
who tells me, it's adult-hood.
there is no remedy but senility preceding death.

precarious adj.

1. dependent on circumstances beyond one's control; uncertain; unstable; insecure
   
2. dependent on the will or pleasure of another; liable to be withdrawn or lost at the will of another
   
3. exposed to or involving danger; dangerous; perilous; risky
   
4. having insufficient, little, or no foundation

brings to mind a personal precipice
i skirt the edge but fall
backwards into a rabbit-hole of

ennui noun

a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

i say, but i don't want it at all!
the doctor merely stares blindly ahead:
your opinion does not matter.

lying in bed without you

a line from a thousand lovesongs
(insipid, sappy, and wallowing quite happily
 in its own misery)
but late into the early morning
in the stagnant blindness of my bedroom
i - lying in bed without you -
remember the 'C' of your body
into which mine so perfectly fits
and the leg - yours - which slips
so naturally between mine
how your arm will try to pull me
closer still to you

lying in bed without you
i remember all this

or

perhaps

all this reminds me that i am
lying in bed without you