The Polytechnic Notebook Years

The cramp little closet
   I am in
Has no space for
   other things
Alone and suffocating,
   wishing to be out,
“Let me out!”
   I scream out loud.
No one hears me
   no one cares
I can’t come out –
   still alone in there.

                      ***

Center of Attention –
is that what you want to be?
- with everyone’s eyes on you.

Tell me about it –
this need to be popular
- do you feel powerful,
or loved,
or admired?

Don’t you feel those eyes
gnawing away slowly
at your being – to your core?
Will you not feel it
until you’re all but gone … ?

                      ***

Which way do I turn?
Where will it lead me?

Should I:
1) reach for the stars
… and crash to the ground
2) sink to the deepest
… and remain buried forever

Or should I die without a cause
and forever be the living,
   blind and unhearing
            dead?

                      ***

Just a glance that’s
All I ask
So I’ll know you know I exist
Mostly I gaze from afar
In silence and in awe
Never daring to approach you
Even when we pass each other along the corridors.

                      ***

silence is the only constant
end, the only beginning
reason of the unreason
every conscious moment gives
none the wiser
even at Death’s door

                      ***

But I can only look from afar,
Admire from a distance,
And love from beneath a pedestal.

                      ***

In the darkened room
The television blaring
My mind wanders
In search of you

                      ***

Body here
Mind gone
Heart lost

                      ***

Clock is ticking
       Heart is beating
             But something’s missing
                   You

                      ***

ANSWERS! cried I.
_________ came by.

                      ***

Away has the feeling gone
No longer the affection stands
Dreams of you are dashed
Reality sets in; love flies off
You are out of my life.

                      ***

Very Much
A Whole Lot
Loads
Even More Than Life
Rather Die Than Stop
I, all the above, love you
Always

                      ***

Vainly I tried to dissuade myself –
An attraction like this cannot be.
Love for you strikes me violently
Every time you are near.
Reality may whisper, “Never”, but
I ignore it
And remember your smile.

                      ***

Beneath the lamplight
my pen flies across
the scented paper
meant for you.

                      ***

Womyn, Venus
I worship thee
But sadly in this society
We cannot be.


June 1998 - July 2001