s c r i b b l e s: seven hundred and thirty since

this
is a lie: i'm not lying to you

this
is not a lie: i'm lying to myself

what lives we live serving one god
and worshipping another

the f-words
four lettered
f for four
f for Fear
f for Free

praying to be free
speaking in fear

fear
must be why you disappear inside
your labyrinth of ambiguous lexicon
      & clever word-play
& try to lose me with sudden twists
      & turns

because you are an open book
whose pages are crammed - top to
      bottom, left to right,
      verso & recto -
with ancient hieroglyphs & pictograms
the basso-rilievo of Morse code
alphabets of varied tongues
      (with marginalia of your own
        scrawl)

hoping to be free
not-speaking in fear

(I have a crush on you.
  I know it’s ironic, but it’s true -
  Unfortunately - that after you
  Have upped and gone away
  My heart begins to stray
  From me and totter after you.)

f for Folly
the fear of folly
to be free of folly

so we murder hope
   four-lettered
   not an f-word
   but more profane
   because it lies
and bury the corpse deep as we can

but the rain ...

floats hope
hope floats
by the virtue of its fricative birth
hope never falls
the way we do
skinned elbows and knees
blood and bruises
(ex)plosive pain

we fear hope
because hope does not fear us
does not fear folly
we fear hope
because hope is free

not-speaking
we hope to be free
to be free of folly
      to be free
      of the fear
      of hope?

what folly, then, to fear!

the folly we fear
is the folly of fear
not hope

and the rain cleanses hope

resurrect hope
hope
and have hope
possess it
it willingly belongs to you

Now that you’ve read through the list,
I’ve a question for you, and it is this:
if these are all that I should be -
do you think you could love me?

(but it isn’t easy
  beneath the stiff blank mask of
        forced ignorance & strained
        nonchalance
  i wear because i too
  fear)

I have a crush on you.