untitled

blindsided - again
i never ever see it coming
why?

it's okay in the shower
in the shower it's just water
running though your hair
water running down your cheeks
but even then
you must deal with it
you must

if any good came out of it
it's this:
you realize now you run
not out of fear
but from fear
the old fear
same fear
childhood fear
of loud noises directed at you
the fear of being punished
the punishment that was abandonment
the fear of being abandoned
all alone
in this world

even if it's okay
in the shower
you must deal with it
don't cry
don't
cry
angry now
don't
cry
you must deal with it

but then you think about
the red lines running down
your arms
your bare unmarked arms
tingle in anticipation
the old mirage
that scares you
more than being blindsided
that makes you sadder
than what blindsided you

no it's not okay in the shower
stay angry
it should be water
remember:
you promised yourself
you'd deal with it
so deal with it
(how does everybody else
deal with it?)

it doesn't hurt
at least not in the way
you're used to
it doesn't hurt at all
it can't hurt if you don't feel it
and you don't feel it

step out of the shower
dry off
you can't bear to look at yourself
in the mirror
(is it shame?)
you can spend the rest of the night
gazing at your pale arms
under the lamplight
you can see the faint aquamarine rivers

you can spend the night
revisiting the old room in your house
of imagination
and feel the tingle
it's making you forget about
being blindsided

you think about how the buildings
that look the strongest
the most impregnable
only look that way
as if in over-compensation
of the straw that made their walls

just by looking strong
even the most tenacious of wolves
would not think about
breathing on these walls
which will collapse
at the faintest trickle
of breath